Consider.

Anyway, the more I browse job related websites, the more interesting titles I see. Backend druid? Recruitment ninja? Technological evangelist? Are we making up our own titles now? I don't want to limit my complaint to such websites, because I often leave the website confused if I visit any modern company's frontpage as well. Their page is often so vague that it takes me multiple minutes to figure out "Ooh, they are a consultancy firm!"

Christian Forklift Instructor

It is unclear whether the forklifts or the instructor is Christian. Either way, it has nothing to do with the church. The job entails instructing forklifts on how to behave in public spaces. It is colloquially known as forklift whisperer but people are already offended by this name, even before they were hired at all.
(Someone very dear to me came up with the concept, not me)

Yoga

All humanity managed to master is to tame the yoga, but no one tried to become the concept of yoga to this day. Because of that, we still do not know what one would do if they achieved such a feat. Are we prepared?
(Same footnote as above)

Placebo Wizard

Yeah, magic is cool and all, but we need someone (who clearly is not a magician) to gaslight people into thinking what they had just witnessed was pure magic. This way, magicians would not need to spend so much money and time into props and training, creating an easier entrance for aspiring magicians.
(It appears I talk to this person a lot, but this one's a co-creation)

Pasteurized Pasture Posture Poster

The Netherlands has beautiful landscapes if you are a fan of plain and uninteresting surfaces. I think we need someone to give such landscapes a makeup, and post about it on social media to reach greater audiences. For everyone's safety, the landscape has to be pasteurized first.

Nothing to see here

Why do we all need a title anyway? It is an argument to say we should shut up about how our title is amazing an interesting, and rather focus on what our field is truly capable of when we put our minds and effo- wait. This one is just unemployment, isn't it? Oops!

Oxford Coma Enforcer

I don't want to listen to an entire list in the middle of every speech ever! This professional would put the speaker into coma once the list goes on for far too long, specifically right before the conjunction to maximize the collective misery of everyone involved. Maybe this way we can have shorter graduation speeches, manifestos, motivational talks,

Senior Yoghurt Acoustics Quality Checker

We grade our food on boring metrics such as how natural they are, how healthy they are, and so on. When I go to the dairy aisle of my grocery store, I would like to know that the yoghurt I am about to buy is thoroughly tested on its acoustic capabilities. Since a side goal of this job is to reintroduce the elderly to the job market, only people over 60 will be hired.

Phlegoiatrics Expert

Cool word, right? But what does it mean? That's the fun part! Nobody knows yet. These people can go talk to others to say they work in phlegoiatrics, and bystanders would agree it sounds like a cool job to have. It has a great sense of mystery surrounding the field. I would also want to be a phlegoiatrician, if I knew what it was.

Shampoo Investigator

This professional would work at the hospital, particularly where tests are being carried out on human feces. Similar to how athletes are tested on whether they are using performance-enhancing drugs, a shampoo investigator would stay there to ensure the sample is in fact human excrement, and not a sham.

Web Developer

Imagine a human being tasked to code an entire website. This is unheard of in modern times, and I really wonder why companies are no longer hiring people to fill in such position. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone who can understand the basic design principles and is capable of original thought?

Ism Collector

I have accepted that the -isms and -phobias are not disappearing from modern society; if anything, it is getting worse. We can however change the distribution of them and greatly decrease the chances others have to deal with them. This person's job would be to walk around and steal all of -isms and -phobias from -ists and -phobes, so no one else can have them. Thank them for their sacrifice!

Emotional Support Omnipotent Being

This is a personal request of mine. Can we just elect someone and teach them everything? This person now knows everything and it will solve all of our problems. To achieve such a feat, we should feed them the entirety of human knowledge off the internet, as well as steal original artwork and social media comments. This way the person will be able to imitate what they ha- wait a second...

Green Duck Aligner

Goes around and puts people ducks in a line. Don't we all need someone like that? (We were contacted for a minor correction that they specifically align ducks that are green in color. They could not give reason as to why this is the case due to contractual reasons.)

Spring Spring Spring Locator

We are unclear on which spring in the job title corresponds to which meaning of the word. If we take an educated guess, the person locates which spring (spiral structure) spring (season) springs (shoots up) from? If we can locate that, we would not have to deal with winter so much!

Lego Scapegoat

One of the traditional horrors in life is the intense suffering that follows stepping on a piece of Lego with bare feet. It always causes serious self-deprecating thoughts such as "I am an idiot" or "I should be more careful!" What if we could blame someone else for this at a reasonable price? Whouldn't that be convenient? Let's make it work!

Spiritual Lily Pad Relocator

We all know about the migration patterns of lily pads. Due to global warming and other climate-related concerns, lily pads are forced to change their habitat. While it would be incredibly inconsiderate to involve our silly little human hands with the works of nature, a trained professional would be able to move their souls to places they cannot even dream of. (Typically, this is because plants cannot dream.)