Consider

Trickery with human language is as old as humans themselves. Every time I think of modern clickbaits, I get reminded of Greenland and Iceland, which is no more than a marketing scheme with a great backstory. No one would prefer to move to some place named Iceland especially with the rising energy costs. This way they can avoid overpopulation in the small island named Iceland, which fittingly sounds like someone forgot the drop the S while reading the word island. Conversely, if an adventurous 21st century sailor who refuses satellite imagery and photos would be greeted with immeasurable disappointment upon coming to close contact of the so-called green land.

Now, sitting by my computer and proudly criticizing outside world from the comfort of my chair, I feel the same kind of disappointment from time to time. It has not been long since I have clicked on an interesting article title to find out that the contents explain the complete opposite of what the title promised. Sadly, grabbing myself from the screens does not solve the issue. Our language itself is poisoned with a disease called false promises. In this post, I would like to elaborate on the nitpicky details of the English language that bother me on a daily basis.

We take suffixes for granted. If I would like to print 24 copies of my favourite meme, then I need to take a quick trip to my printer. If I realize that the room is a bit cold on the way there, then I will need to start the heater. To survive the inherent excruciating boringness of messing with intricate Excel sheets all day, I would probably play some rock on my music player. If Spotify blesses me with a nice album discovery, I show that album to a friend by using a showe-- wait no!

This is where the frustration begins to unfold. The language is built on simple premises yet an unfortunate string of characters create a visual trap for the simple-minded people like me. A systematic lie misguides me to believe that a shower is a tool that is used for displays. On a good day I would call this a false advertisement, but labeling the issue will not mend my crushed expectations. Now I have to sit down and take the pain of this realization to my grave, silently crying on the cold and lonely corners of the room. (Which, ironically, is where they usually put the so-called "shower")

I wish the name is at least partially correct too. A shower, for the most part, is located in the most hidden corner of the house. Sometimes it is behind a lock and sometimes it is covered with a curtain or a blurry glass. Its intended use is the complete opposite of what the name suggests. If you take the other meaning of the word, a rainy weather is likely one of the worst in terms of sight. Have you every driven while it rains? What does it show at all? Lies! Hoax! A cruel real-life clickbait, if we may. And we support this naming convention by not speaking up. We are as guilty as the people who let this mistake slide. What's next? Are we renaming speakers silencers? Or freezers burners? Where does it stop?

Maybe I need to take my time and put down the pitchforks before I declare war against whoever is maintaining the English language. This is no more than mere coincidence as the pattern "-er" is quite a common occurence at the end of words. I believe common sense is a great tool to deal with it for most cases. The genuine problem starts when a similar phenomenon occurs in situations where context is not helpful.

Introducing: contranyms! Okay, fine, English may not be my mother tongue, but that does not justify this abomination. For those who don't want to click on links, here is the definition of a contranym according to Wiktionary:

A contranym or contronym is a word which has two or more generally accepted meanings in the English language that directly or generally contradict each other. Such words are also known as antagonyms, auto-antonyms, and words having self-contradictions.

Consider this scenario: You have been chosen to give a long speech at the 50th year celebrations of your university and you are sitting by your bed in your dorm room. You are okay with crowds and the stage as you are a confident person; okay, maybe except for that one time in Gerald's birthday party. We are not going to talk about that, don't worry. (Your secret is my secret, shhh)

This will be a big crowd though. Every year grade has over two thousand students. There are 5 concurrent grades. Some parents and alumni will join. The staff, the chef, the musicians... You are incredibly scared of walking up that stage and keeping the speech interesting for about 15 minutes. How do people do it?

Luckily, Gerald is there by you for motivational support. He reminds you of the possibility of getting up to the stage as two people and doing the speech together. You are surprised, as Gerald is famous for their lack of confidence. Curious, you ask: "What is your plan about handling all of the stress? I will walk up those stairs and thousands of eyes will be on me! What if I make a mistake? What if they make fun of me?"

You see Gerald. A bit nervous and conforting, he replies: "I'll back up!" Then swiftly leaves the room, not to be seen every again.

You are confused. Did the stress finally get to them and and they decided to back up from the suggestion? So are they not coming to do the speech with you? No, Gerald is mostly nice. That can't be! Of course they will back you up! They probably left the room to prepare something... right? You panic, as Gerald's behavior is often even less predictable than Dutch weather. So it could mean either way...

Maybe I am thinking too much. I do not know at what stage "pointing at issues in language" turns into nitpicking and overthinking. It could be that such words are not a threat to our society (yet), but look at some other words that have two contradicting meanings and tell me they are not common at all. How can I not care?

Original: the oldest one / the newest one
To overlook: fail to notice / supervise someone
To dust: to wipe the dust from / to put powder onto
Then: in the past / in the future
To consult: to give advice / to receive advice
...

See what I mean?

You hear your name called out. It's a nervous road but you manage to get to the speaker's stand. You look around, quite hopeful; however, there are no Geralds in sight.

You voice a really horrible insult that I will not repeat here in order to keep the keep this post very civil. As much as I adore your creativity with that statement, now everyone is looking at you. Next time, please mute the microphone before you dare to step the unspeakable territory if you don't want such a grand entrance, you absolute buffoon!