We don't need to be all friends.
I know when I started this blog, I planned on not making it into something
serious. That said, there are weeks I feel emotional and I cannot really
escape what is on my mind. So please excuse me while I babble about
something I discovered after an argument I have had this week. I seriously
mean that
the post you are reading is not meant to be funny in any way, so feel
free to click off if you don't feel like it.
I understand that the main selling point of the blog was the fact that it
was purposeless, incoherent and meaningless in all senses. This post is
still purposeless and incoherent probably, but I blame my never-improving
writing skills for that.
I value how calmly I try to approach in life and I see my attempts at social
diplomacy as one of my defining traits. When facing an unpleasant situation
in a friendship, my instinct is to be comforting and to stall until the
initial heat of the moment fades away. That works, you know; that's one
successful way to get away without fights. I truly believe the few steps I
need to take back are worth not losing a friend, even if that means losing
an argument and taking a hit on my ego.
Whether I am successful on that is up for debate, but this is the way I
try to act anyways. I don't buy that cheap
it's the intention that matters thing. If you meant it or not,
hurting someone is dangerously easy... especially after you convince
yourself you hit "the final blow" but don't realize you start hitting
after "the match" is over. This is not a game. It is real people getting
hurt on the other end.
With the technology we have at hand, that last part is very abstract. When
looking at WhatsApp text, I see speech bubbles in green and white, often
forgetting that an individual somewhere else on the globe is typing the
messages. The online presence of personas and the consequencelessness of it
all plays a big role in the ever-growing confidence of online people. They,
or perhaps we, think we can get away with anything really. Mostly because we
are way out the punching range and we don't see the real impact of our
virtual punches. It's a shame, but that's the internet era.
I thought being self-aware of this phenomenon made me somehow invincible
to it, just like how you knowing the inner works of an optical illusion
does not change the fact that your brain is tricked by it. And I thought
listening to feedback and try to improve is the way to keep forward. I
feel genuine guilt after hurting someone, even if unintentionally,
pathologizing my behaviour by always assuming I am in the wrong. Perhaps
to the point of gaslighting myself. I reach a stage where I feel like I
am listening the world telling me how disgusting I am, with my utmost
attention, like a baby listening to a bedtime story with an endless
curiosity.
And I don't even mean that metaphorically. From birth to death, the hivemind
of eight billion people idealize over a person that does not exist, whom we
should apparently all aspire to be. There is this perfect person who is
probably cis, straight, overworked and monogamous despite the modern
acceptance and inclusiveness of every orientation, finally realizing people
can be who they want to be; who may or may not exist in some far corner of
the galaxy; who on top of this possesses all of the good traits like
honesty, loyalty and whatever; who puts others before themselves... and in
some way or another, anything else is something less.
So I've learned, or perhaps all of us learned after trying and failing
over and over, that we have better of lying and pretending to be that
one perfect person than expressing ourselves with total honesty. We
actively encouraged this through pink lies and what not, by hiding some
aspect of the truth just to not hurt someone in the long run, as if the
discovery of such lies will not end up in a larger pickle than what it
used to be. We built an entire society on superficial kindness and
somehow survived generation after generation, not realizing this
phenomenon alone contradict heavily with our "be yourself" motto in
every aspect of the topic.
I think what I want to say is that, by not accepting who I am and what I
want to do in this insignificant life of mine, by crushing and condensing my
identity into the mold of that perfect person until I inevitably explode at
someone with a completely blind wrath, I hurt people. And I did that a lot.
Again and again. And I'm pretty sure I will do it again. There is no escape
from it, nor can I deny the fact at hand.
But reflecting on my actions with a clear mind, I realize that raging
against the parts of myself that I don't love does not make me a better
person. It does not erase the bad parts of myself. It does not erase the
mistakes I did and will do. It did not and will not fix any hearts I
broke. It just makes me be disgusted of myself, then pressure these
unwanted traits even further, until I explode once again to ruin
everything. Then to start over, hating myself, feeling infinitely and
irrevocably unfulfilled.
What's worse is, I realize I have always thought this is the way to
live: voluntarily erasing parts of myself by making up scenarios and dreams
in my head, polishing my rough surfaces to get closer and closer to that
perfectly spherical, shiny, ideal shape, not really paying attention
to the fact that every polish leaves me further than who I am. Who knows,
maybe I am already past the point I have any resemblance to a past self.
I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I like the malleability of human
nature. Polish the perfect spot and you are more perfect than before.
Hit the wrong spot and now the surface is rougher than it was. We are
like those ancient cities, building atop ruins of who we were yesterday,
and hiding that old, unwanted identity below sediments of dirt and rock.
It is good to know we are not stuck with one path to follow, but rather
we are giving the opportunity to make up our own as we go. I don't want
to go into a deterministic debate right now; even if we have free will
or not, our ape brain cannot tell them apart. I feel like I am in
control and I cannot blame my fate for what I do.
At the same time, this exact reasoning is why I suddenly started the dislike
the idea of a perfect person. If there is already one perfect way to live,
what's the purpose of making choices at all? If we already know
the answer, then there has to be an algorithm somewhere, deciding
what we should do in any situation. Where is the fun in it?
So yes, I just needed to share my inner dilemma with the strangers of the
internet I suppose. I believe there has to be a perfect spot where we are
still ourselves, despite the sacrifices we make to please others. On the
other hand, I started to feel more and more that I have to be selfish
sometimes too. Putting everyone before myself and listening to
every feedback may not be the best approach. To some extent, I should
just accept that some people are simply incompatible with each other, and
that is totally fine. After all, I cannot assume that the ideal person to be
for everyone cannot be the same, which, given the meaning of ideal, is
ironic.
Losing a friend is rough. But for once I should accept that I am not in
the 100% wrong, that both parties could be guilty at the same time, and
that trying to fix this relationship is not the optimal path for either
of the parties. I don't know. Maybe I am tired of sacrificing myself
over and over to fix things, just to fight again when the time comes. Or
maybe I have sacrificed too much of myself and reacbed the point of
implosion. Or you know, I should for once stand where I already am.
This was my diary entry today, slightly edited to match the online audience.
I am right in this or not, I thought there is something to
consider here.
vanilla on 24 July 2023
There is a lot to consider here, but can we first consider a like button (or a compassion button, or "I have read and accepted the terms" button, or "we're all not robots, but people" button
antiphona on 31 July 2023
I often think that the biggest virtue and vice in us are one and the same thing expressed in different ways. I've seen how the sarcastic sense of humor in someone that is their prime attractive quality can accompany a crippling sense of nihilism, or someone whose extraordinary ability to demonstrate pointed passion and dedication to one single thing is their very dullness to other things and people, how the laidback and spotaneous attitude expresses itself as irresponsibility, or humility and openness translates into lack of confidence and indeciveness. They say that when a couple breaks up, the feature which was attractive in the beginning becomes the very thing that repels in the end. That said, perhaps that the 'ideal person' does not exist is a more literal statement than one is led to believee- it is by definition a logical impossibility, for someone who has no negative aspects to their being has no aspects at all.