Consider

I know when I started this blog, I planned on not making it into something serious. That said, there are weeks I feel emotional and I cannot really escape what is on my mind. So please excuse me while I babble about something I discovered after an argument I have had this week. I seriously mean that the post you are reading is not meant to be funny in any way, so feel free to click off if you don't feel like it. I understand that the main selling point of the blog was the fact that it was purposeless, incoherent and meaningless in all senses. This post is still purposeless and incoherent probably, but I blame my never-improving writing skills for that.

I value how calmly I try to approach in life and I see my attempts at social diplomacy as one of my defining traits. When facing an unpleasant situation in a friendship, my instinct is to be comforting and to stall until the initial heat of the moment fades away. That works, you know; that's one successful way to get away without fights. I truly believe the few steps I need to take back are worth not losing a friend, even if that means losing an argument and taking a hit on my ego.

Whether I am successful on that is up for debate, but this is the way I try to act anyways. I don't buy that cheap it's the intention that matters thing. If you meant it or not, hurting someone is dangerously easy... especially after you convince yourself you hit "the final blow" but don't realize you start hitting after "the match" is over. This is not a game. It is real people getting hurt on the other end.

With the technology we have at hand, that last part is very abstract. When looking at WhatsApp text, I see speech bubbles in green and white, often forgetting that an individual somewhere else on the globe is typing the messages. The online presence of personas and the consequencelessness of it all plays a big role in the ever-growing confidence of online people. They, or perhaps we, think we can get away with anything really. Mostly because we are way out the punching range and we don't see the real impact of our virtual punches. It's a shame, but that's the internet era.

I thought being self-aware of this phenomenon made me somehow invincible to it, just like how you knowing the inner works of an optical illusion does not change the fact that your brain is tricked by it. And I thought listening to feedback and try to improve is the way to keep forward. I feel genuine guilt after hurting someone, even if unintentionally, pathologizing my behaviour by always assuming I am in the wrong. Perhaps to the point of gaslighting myself. I reach a stage where I feel like I am listening the world telling me how disgusting I am, with my utmost attention, like a baby listening to a bedtime story with an endless curiosity.

And I don't even mean that metaphorically. From birth to death, the hivemind of eight billion people idealize over a person that does not exist, whom we should apparently all aspire to be. There is this perfect person who is probably cis, straight, overworked and monogamous despite the modern acceptance and inclusiveness of every orientation, finally realizing people can be who they want to be; who may or may not exist in some far corner of the galaxy; who on top of this possesses all of the good traits like honesty, loyalty and whatever; who puts others before themselves... and in some way or another, anything else is something less.

So I've learned, or perhaps all of us learned after trying and failing over and over, that we have better of lying and pretending to be that one perfect person than expressing ourselves with total honesty. We actively encouraged this through pink lies and what not, by hiding some aspect of the truth just to not hurt someone in the long run, as if the discovery of such lies will not end up in a larger pickle than what it used to be. We built an entire society on superficial kindness and somehow survived generation after generation, not realizing this phenomenon alone contradict heavily with our "be yourself" motto in every aspect of the topic.

I think what I want to say is that, by not accepting who I am and what I want to do in this insignificant life of mine, by crushing and condensing my identity into the mold of that perfect person until I inevitably explode at someone with a completely blind wrath, I hurt people. And I did that a lot. Again and again. And I'm pretty sure I will do it again. There is no escape from it, nor can I deny the fact at hand.

But reflecting on my actions with a clear mind, I realize that raging against the parts of myself that I don't love does not make me a better person. It does not erase the bad parts of myself. It does not erase the mistakes I did and will do. It did not and will not fix any hearts I broke. It just makes me be disgusted of myself, then pressure these unwanted traits even further, until I explode once again to ruin everything. Then to start over, hating myself, feeling infinitely and irrevocably unfulfilled.

What's worse is, I realize I have always thought this is the way to live: voluntarily erasing parts of myself by making up scenarios and dreams in my head, polishing my rough surfaces to get closer and closer to that perfectly spherical, shiny, ideal shape, not really paying attention to the fact that every polish leaves me further than who I am. Who knows, maybe I am already past the point I have any resemblance to a past self.

I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I like the malleability of human nature. Polish the perfect spot and you are more perfect than before. Hit the wrong spot and now the surface is rougher than it was. We are like those ancient cities, building atop ruins of who we were yesterday, and hiding that old, unwanted identity below sediments of dirt and rock. It is good to know we are not stuck with one path to follow, but rather we are giving the opportunity to make up our own as we go. I don't want to go into a deterministic debate right now; even if we have free will or not, our ape brain cannot tell them apart. I feel like I am in control and I cannot blame my fate for what I do.

At the same time, this exact reasoning is why I suddenly started the dislike the idea of a perfect person. If there is already one perfect way to live, what's the purpose of making choices at all? If we already know the answer, then there has to be an algorithm somewhere, deciding what we should do in any situation. Where is the fun in it?

So yes, I just needed to share my inner dilemma with the strangers of the internet I suppose. I believe there has to be a perfect spot where we are still ourselves, despite the sacrifices we make to please others. On the other hand, I started to feel more and more that I have to be selfish sometimes too. Putting everyone before myself and listening to every feedback may not be the best approach. To some extent, I should just accept that some people are simply incompatible with each other, and that is totally fine. After all, I cannot assume that the ideal person to be for everyone cannot be the same, which, given the meaning of ideal, is ironic.

Losing a friend is rough. But for once I should accept that I am not in the 100% wrong, that both parties could be guilty at the same time, and that trying to fix this relationship is not the optimal path for either of the parties. I don't know. Maybe I am tired of sacrificing myself over and over to fix things, just to fight again when the time comes. Or maybe I have sacrificed too much of myself and reacbed the point of implosion. Or you know, I should for once stand where I already am.

This was my diary entry today, slightly edited to match the online audience. I am right in this or not, I thought there is something to consider here.

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vanilla on 24 July 2023

There is a lot to consider here, but can we first consider a like button (or a compassion button, or "I have read and accepted the terms" button, or "we're all not robots, but people" button

antiphona on 31 July 2023

I often think that the biggest virtue and vice in us are one and the same thing expressed in different ways. I've seen how the sarcastic sense of humor in someone that is their prime attractive quality can accompany a crippling sense of nihilism, or someone whose extraordinary ability to demonstrate pointed passion and dedication to one single thing is their very dullness to other things and people, how the laidback and spotaneous attitude expresses itself as irresponsibility, or humility and openness translates into lack of confidence and indeciveness. They say that when a couple breaks up, the feature which was attractive in the beginning becomes the very thing that repels in the end. That said, perhaps that the 'ideal person' does not exist is a more literal statement than one is led to believee- it is by definition a logical impossibility, for someone who has no negative aspects to their being has no aspects at all.